People are always up in a huff about how we need to quit cutting down the trees in the rainforest. Nevermind the fact that these people don't know shit about the rainforest, have never been there, and have never been told anything good about it by anyone that has lived there. They just campaign and campaign about how everyone needs to save it.
So, I have launched a counter-campaign. A campaign against some of the craftiest soldiers in nature's army, wooden enemies of mankind: trees!
"But trees make oxygen!" you might say. Fuck that, trees don't make shit. What they do is remove carbon molecules from the atmosphere, turning CO2 into O2. This can be done with modern technology, at near 97% efficiency. Compare this to trees' 30% or so efficiency. In the meantime, the carbon which is artificially collected by machines (mankind's oldest ally,) could be made into valuable coal to heat your home, or inexpensive diamonds to shut the mouth attached to whatever pussy you are currently railing. Once again, technology is to nature as Daniel-san was to Johnny. Far superior, and able to do the statue of the crane. Nature's cranes can't do that shit.
"But trees look pretty!" you might say. Fuck that, too. Mecha-trees (a name which would give far too much credit to their predecessors in my opinion,) would look just as good. Trees are only good for when you're wandering around doing hallucinogenic drugs, and believe me, trees with bodies made of polished chrome would look even better. If you aren't using trees for that purpose, and you're just frolicking in a forest, then you deserve to get eaten by whatever hungry wolf or snake is hiding in the forest. That's how the trees will reward your misplaced admiration, harboring your enemies. I say, burn for it, trees! Incidentally, mecha-trees will alert frolicking (read: retarded) or tripping humans of animals nearby. At the input of a simple vocal command, these trees will also have the ability to neutralize any threat posed to those who would enjoy the cold forests of steel and flame. They would also keep a constant monitoring of your frolicking, because maybe you deserve a good wolf attack. I could name a few people that do.
"But trees are fun to climb!" you might say. Fuck you. Climb a tree, I'll set it on fire and the two of you wont have to be apart for as long as it takes for you to go to hell. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the dark side of trees too. Trees dont just give life. They take it away.
See:
http://www.imperfectparent.com/topics/2008/04/06/toddler-killed-by-falling-tree/
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2007/jun/27/schooltrips.schools
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,27574,24553984-2862,00.html
http://haltwhistle.journallive.co.uk/2008/11/forestry-worker-died-after-tre.html
Especially the last one. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!
Trees have long been playing tricks on people, thinking that they will ultimately have the last word. Never forget, it was a tree that made the fruit that got mankind banned from Eden.
Don't forget lessons like that, and lessons like this one:
Fuck trees. Smoke them.
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