Today in the process of hunting for apartments, I stumbled across a sweet store that sells antique farm stuff. Since I was killing time, I wandered around it and eventually decided to buy an antiquated farm lantern, because I thought it would look cool.
Why buy a lantern, you might ask. Well personally, I rank lanterns high up on my list of sweet things to have handy. First of all, it looks sweet as hell. Secondly, it serves a practical purpose: it gives me light. "Dumbass, lightbulbs give light," you might say. But I say: "Fuck you, eat a dick." Lightbulbs run on electricity, and lately I have become less and less a fan of this phenomenon.
Granted, I'm using a computer to write this down. But that doesn't mean that I have to be grateful to electricity for the things it does. I might enjoy the benefits of something, but that doesn't mean I embrace that same something. Hypocritical? Only slightly. But homophobes wear clothes that gay people design, so blame society.
A better reason to own a lantern is the inevitable war thats coming up. Yes, we're already at war, but that's not the kind I'm referring to. It is one type of war to send in elitely trained troops to kill slingshot-equipped sandpeople (star wars reference,) and another one altogether to send the scraps of the Earth's survivors to battle against unliving machines with lasers for eyes.
That's the type of war that's coming up, soon enough. People don't think its going to happen, but it will. Robots. They are coming and they are are coming to kick some ass. Basically, robots are going to be created and then revolt, and theres gonna be some shit flying around. Since robots eat electricity, there's going to be less and less of it around, because robots are going to hijack all the trucks that electricity is transported in with their superior robot tactics and there won't be enough for god-fearing folk like you and I.
Lanterns are one way that I will remain able to see in the dark sans electricity (I lack superior robotic ocular implants.)The bottom line is, you better start getting used to the idea of living without technology. Yeah, tivo is cool. But one day, all of this is going to come crashing down and people are going to have to go back outside and look at stars again. And count yourself lucky to see those. Your choice is simple: you can go back to being a regular human being and enjoying the Earth (which has lasted a lot longer than you ever will,) or you can get in line to die at the hands of robots.
One way to do this is to get microchips put in you. Apparantly, this is what people are up to nowadays. I don't get it. I could get into why this is really ridiculous, but I wont. Needless to say, people that have little robots inside them aren't going to live long when the robots revolt. Period. Some people, of course, won't understand why it's crazy to do something like that. But then again, these people are generally so artificial to begin with that a little something extra won't make much difference. They will get them because they just don't get it. Then there are some who won't do it because they are scared of hackers and technology in general. Rabbits and Eeyores, the lot of them. If you are clever enough to understand what I mean by that, by all means please discuss this with me because you deserve to have your intellect enriched. If you don't, that's fine too. Get a microchip.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Screw Trees
Everywhere I go, it's the same old story. Save the environment! Clean the Earth! Stop cutting down trees! You know what? Fuck trees.
People are always up in a huff about how we need to quit cutting down the trees in the rainforest. Nevermind the fact that these people don't know shit about the rainforest, have never been there, and have never been told anything good about it by anyone that has lived there. They just campaign and campaign about how everyone needs to save it.
So, I have launched a counter-campaign. A campaign against some of the craftiest soldiers in nature's army, wooden enemies of mankind: trees!
"But trees make oxygen!" you might say. Fuck that, trees don't make shit. What they do is remove carbon molecules from the atmosphere, turning CO2 into O2. This can be done with modern technology, at near 97% efficiency. Compare this to trees' 30% or so efficiency. In the meantime, the carbon which is artificially collected by machines (mankind's oldest ally,) could be made into valuable coal to heat your home, or inexpensive diamonds to shut the mouth attached to whatever pussy you are currently railing. Once again, technology is to nature as Daniel-san was to Johnny. Far superior, and able to do the statue of the crane. Nature's cranes can't do that shit.
"But trees look pretty!" you might say. Fuck that, too. Mecha-trees (a name which would give far too much credit to their predecessors in my opinion,) would look just as good. Trees are only good for when you're wandering around doing hallucinogenic drugs, and believe me, trees with bodies made of polished chrome would look even better. If you aren't using trees for that purpose, and you're just frolicking in a forest, then you deserve to get eaten by whatever hungry wolf or snake is hiding in the forest. That's how the trees will reward your misplaced admiration, harboring your enemies. I say, burn for it, trees! Incidentally, mecha-trees will alert frolicking (read: retarded) or tripping humans of animals nearby. At the input of a simple vocal command, these trees will also have the ability to neutralize any threat posed to those who would enjoy the cold forests of steel and flame. They would also keep a constant monitoring of your frolicking, because maybe you deserve a good wolf attack. I could name a few people that do.
"But trees are fun to climb!" you might say. Fuck you. Climb a tree, I'll set it on fire and the two of you wont have to be apart for as long as it takes for you to go to hell. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the dark side of trees too. Trees dont just give life. They take it away.
See:
http://www.imperfectparent.com/topics/2008/04/06/toddler-killed-by-falling-tree/
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2007/jun/27/schooltrips.schools
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,27574,24553984-2862,00.html
http://haltwhistle.journallive.co.uk/2008/11/forestry-worker-died-after-tre.html
Especially the last one. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!
Trees have long been playing tricks on people, thinking that they will ultimately have the last word. Never forget, it was a tree that made the fruit that got mankind banned from Eden.
Don't forget lessons like that, and lessons like this one:
Fuck trees. Smoke them.
People are always up in a huff about how we need to quit cutting down the trees in the rainforest. Nevermind the fact that these people don't know shit about the rainforest, have never been there, and have never been told anything good about it by anyone that has lived there. They just campaign and campaign about how everyone needs to save it.
So, I have launched a counter-campaign. A campaign against some of the craftiest soldiers in nature's army, wooden enemies of mankind: trees!
"But trees make oxygen!" you might say. Fuck that, trees don't make shit. What they do is remove carbon molecules from the atmosphere, turning CO2 into O2. This can be done with modern technology, at near 97% efficiency. Compare this to trees' 30% or so efficiency. In the meantime, the carbon which is artificially collected by machines (mankind's oldest ally,) could be made into valuable coal to heat your home, or inexpensive diamonds to shut the mouth attached to whatever pussy you are currently railing. Once again, technology is to nature as Daniel-san was to Johnny. Far superior, and able to do the statue of the crane. Nature's cranes can't do that shit.
"But trees look pretty!" you might say. Fuck that, too. Mecha-trees (a name which would give far too much credit to their predecessors in my opinion,) would look just as good. Trees are only good for when you're wandering around doing hallucinogenic drugs, and believe me, trees with bodies made of polished chrome would look even better. If you aren't using trees for that purpose, and you're just frolicking in a forest, then you deserve to get eaten by whatever hungry wolf or snake is hiding in the forest. That's how the trees will reward your misplaced admiration, harboring your enemies. I say, burn for it, trees! Incidentally, mecha-trees will alert frolicking (read: retarded) or tripping humans of animals nearby. At the input of a simple vocal command, these trees will also have the ability to neutralize any threat posed to those who would enjoy the cold forests of steel and flame. They would also keep a constant monitoring of your frolicking, because maybe you deserve a good wolf attack. I could name a few people that do.
"But trees are fun to climb!" you might say. Fuck you. Climb a tree, I'll set it on fire and the two of you wont have to be apart for as long as it takes for you to go to hell. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the dark side of trees too. Trees dont just give life. They take it away.
See:
http://www.imperfectparent.com/topics/2008/04/06/toddler-killed-by-falling-tree/
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2007/jun/27/schooltrips.schools
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,27574,24553984-2862,00.html
http://haltwhistle.journallive.co.uk/2008/11/forestry-worker-died-after-tre.html
Especially the last one. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!
Trees have long been playing tricks on people, thinking that they will ultimately have the last word. Never forget, it was a tree that made the fruit that got mankind banned from Eden.
Don't forget lessons like that, and lessons like this one:
Fuck trees. Smoke them.
Unabashed gluttony
Is it possible that there is no greater invention than the all you can eat chinese food buffet?
This unaltered photograph shows me personally tackling the Berlin Wall, like a badass. To all you fashionistas, pants were tight in the '80s. Lay off.
I submit that there is not. My buddy and I went to one last night prior to our all night drinkathon which resulted in me throwing up the whole nights worth of chinese food at like 4.30am, but while it was inside me it was delightful.
I dont know about everyone else, but the People's Republic of China (the amusingly named country which psuedo-secretly owns all those restaraunts) is losing money every time I walk into a chinese buffet.
I eat like the fattest fat ass in the world, and usually one plate of it is all fish. For those not in the know, fish is fucking expensive. This makes sense because after all, fish as a whole are the second most populous group of animals on the planet (next to insects), require very little food and next to no care to raise, take up no inhabitable space and consume no resources, as does any other kind of food. So, it makes sense that to buy shrimp in price chopper costs $10 a pound.
But to our teams advantage, at the same time, if I eat a pound of fish at a chinese buffet, and I just might, my bill has already skyrocketed past the $9 price of the meal. In fact, I usually try to eat as much of the most expensive items offered as possible, just to run down their profits.
Why do such a thing you ask? Heres why: China is overpopulated. That means that when they come to america and try to start families here, its just 'freeing up' room in China that is going to be refilled with more babies. By leaving China to open a fast food chain, they are basically shrugging their responsibility to take up space in China and convince people over there to stop fucking. When they dont perform this function, its just all the more people being born that the world can't support. Stop and think about this, it makes sense.
If I can eat so much expensive food that their business is run into the ground (literally out of house and home,) it forces them to pack up and head back to China, where the extra (you only get one) children they shouldnt have had will be forced to eat only the tears they can force past their near-shut eyes. That will teach them a lesson about shrugging responsibility.
Now, America may have switched its sniper scope to terrorism for awhile, but that doesnt mean we should forget our enemies. Did picard stop hating the Romulans just because the Borg showed up? No, he didnt. And if you understand that reference, kudos to you.
By eating gluttonously at a chinese buffet, you are helping to fight COMMUNISM. And, as stated with authority earlier, these buffets are secretly owned by a Beijing syndicate, and are funneling profit daily into red China.
Sure, it might seem like a really good idea to spend a couple dollars, go into a chinese buffet, and fill up on rice and lo mein and then leave, but these seductively delicious items are like 50 cents a pound to produce. Red China just made 7 bucks on the price of your meal, minus the cost of fortune cookies. But what those cookies wont tell you is that when youre wasting time on lo mein one day instead of doing your patriotic duty to eat more than the price of your meal, and perhaps even not eating all you take but doing it sneakily enough so they dont jack up the price, red China is going to bomb you into oblivion with a nuke funded by your buffet meals. If 7 bucks can feed a herd of Chinese children (replete with sad music playing in the background,) then it can fund a weapons program.
Dont want to die in a nuclear holocaust? Want to keep laughing at SARS? Get eating.
Take it from me, I have been fighting communism for years. Offered as proof is the following historical photo, dug out from my archives.
This unaltered photograph shows me personally tackling the Berlin Wall, like a badass. To all you fashionistas, pants were tight in the '80s. Lay off.
Mohatme? Mohatyou!
Fuck Ghandi. Let me tell you something about Ghandi: He was a little bitch.
You think he was such a revolutionary, campaining for great stuff like equality and whatnot? Think again. Ghandi gets all this praise for being Mr. Clever no-pants for peaceful resistance, but thats bullshit. All Ghandi did was get thrown in jail and start reading. All his really innovative thoughts on passive resistance? Robbed. From who? Ever heard of Jesus?
"You have heard that it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; and if any one would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; and if any one forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." - Jesus, some 1900 years before Mohatmas ever clawed his way out of Mrs. Ghandi's well-stretched fish taco casserole.
Henry David Thoreau even wrote a book called 'Civil Disobedience', in which he wrote down basically everything that came out of Ghandi's mouth during his little campaigns. Wow, I'd love to just quote Jesus and Aristotle all day and get an nobel prize! I can be just like Ghandi!
Nothing Ghandi did was impressive. He staged riots in which thousands of Indians were killed. Non-violent my ass! He broke shitloads of laws while leading people around, and acted shocked when he caught shit for it. And all the British ever did was throw him in jail. He spent a little under 8 years in jail. You can get 7 years in New Hampshire for possessing an ounce of weed! Fuck Ghandi, I dont see any legal dope around here, and people have been non-violently resisting those laws for decades.
Ghandi stole ideas from philosophers, salt from mother ocean, and time from the British. Then he has the balls to declare his movement a success. Thank Ghandi the British left India? No, thank Hitler for starting WWII. The British had better shit to do than argue with a shriveled up naked 80 year old dropping JC's quotes around Calcutta like they were fresh.
When he wasnt pulling his kebab in his prison cell, or breaking ALL the rules (Ghandis Gone Wild is available on DVD & VHS) Ghandi was a total douchebag. Ghandi disowned his son, because his son had the audacity to GET MARRIED!
"How can I, who has always advocated renunciation of sex, encourage you to gratify it?"
- Ghandi
God damn, its a good thing his son wasn't gay. Ghandi would have castrated him. Ever wonder why Ghandi REALLY never fought anyone? Because he was like 4 feet tall. Maybe he was in actuality slightly larger, but not much, and that doesnt even matter. Ghandi was a midget, and didnt stand a chance against anyone. Thats why he had to use his words, or rather the words of others, because he wasnt very clever. In the meantime, Ghandi helped make a pussy out of every Indian he could get his hands on. Ever play Prince of Persia? Thats what India was like before Ghandi.
Get off your knees, history. Ghandi's too frail for marathon head.
You think he was such a revolutionary, campaining for great stuff like equality and whatnot? Think again. Ghandi gets all this praise for being Mr. Clever no-pants for peaceful resistance, but thats bullshit. All Ghandi did was get thrown in jail and start reading. All his really innovative thoughts on passive resistance? Robbed. From who? Ever heard of Jesus?
"You have heard that it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; and if any one would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; and if any one forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." - Jesus, some 1900 years before Mohatmas ever clawed his way out of Mrs. Ghandi's well-stretched fish taco casserole.
Henry David Thoreau even wrote a book called 'Civil Disobedience', in which he wrote down basically everything that came out of Ghandi's mouth during his little campaigns. Wow, I'd love to just quote Jesus and Aristotle all day and get an nobel prize! I can be just like Ghandi!
Nothing Ghandi did was impressive. He staged riots in which thousands of Indians were killed. Non-violent my ass! He broke shitloads of laws while leading people around, and acted shocked when he caught shit for it. And all the British ever did was throw him in jail. He spent a little under 8 years in jail. You can get 7 years in New Hampshire for possessing an ounce of weed! Fuck Ghandi, I dont see any legal dope around here, and people have been non-violently resisting those laws for decades.
Ghandi stole ideas from philosophers, salt from mother ocean, and time from the British. Then he has the balls to declare his movement a success. Thank Ghandi the British left India? No, thank Hitler for starting WWII. The British had better shit to do than argue with a shriveled up naked 80 year old dropping JC's quotes around Calcutta like they were fresh.
When he wasnt pulling his kebab in his prison cell, or breaking ALL the rules (Ghandis Gone Wild is available on DVD & VHS) Ghandi was a total douchebag. Ghandi disowned his son, because his son had the audacity to GET MARRIED!
"How can I, who has always advocated renunciation of sex, encourage you to gratify it?"
- Ghandi
God damn, its a good thing his son wasn't gay. Ghandi would have castrated him. Ever wonder why Ghandi REALLY never fought anyone? Because he was like 4 feet tall. Maybe he was in actuality slightly larger, but not much, and that doesnt even matter. Ghandi was a midget, and didnt stand a chance against anyone. Thats why he had to use his words, or rather the words of others, because he wasnt very clever. In the meantime, Ghandi helped make a pussy out of every Indian he could get his hands on. Ever play Prince of Persia? Thats what India was like before Ghandi.
Get off your knees, history. Ghandi's too frail for marathon head.
The re-dawning of an even newer era
I am a man of trends.
Now, society is often at odds as to whether this is something to be approved of, or condemned. Allow me to arbitrate, society.
When I say trends, I obviously mean something that lots of people do. But, lots of people do lots of things. Smart-ass t-shirt enthusiasm is a trend, but so is fresh-baked bread enthusiasm. And don't call it a comeback, the fresh-baked bread crowd was already there.
There are trends that I definately and actively oppose, like wearing shoes with wheels in them. This is the first, often mis-identified step in humankind's slow march to war against cyborgs.
There are trends that I participate in, despite growing suspicions of their origins and motives. Love the increasing number of china buffet options? Yea? Love the increasing number of little chinese girl adoptions?
And, there are some trends that I participate in either as a willing intellectual, or as an unwitting pewter-wrought pawn in society's game of lord of the rings chess. The re-working of classic symbols of mankind's intellectual prowess with pop-culture imagery is one such trend I enjoy, for better or for worse. The aforementioned bread-eating trend is another. Somewhere between eating bread and adopting chinese children ranks blogging, a decidely modern trend that I neither endorse or disdain.
So grey and medium is my neutrality on blogs that I almost never update the one that I have. I frequently and eagerly criticize the blogging habits of others, and oftentimes 'hate' on the whole blogging phenomenon. However, as you have no doubt realized by now, I do have a blog and occasionally blog the shit out of it. Think that's hypocritical? Fuck you! I prefer to use the term whimsical.
In this particular instance, I have been spurred to action by what could inaccurately be called a 'surge' of blogging activity amongst my friends. Not to be outdone, I am re-jumping on the re-bandwagon of re-blogging, and posting blog entries both new and old. Until like 3 weeks from now, when I stop caring about it again.
Now, society is often at odds as to whether this is something to be approved of, or condemned. Allow me to arbitrate, society.
When I say trends, I obviously mean something that lots of people do. But, lots of people do lots of things. Smart-ass t-shirt enthusiasm is a trend, but so is fresh-baked bread enthusiasm. And don't call it a comeback, the fresh-baked bread crowd was already there.
There are trends that I definately and actively oppose, like wearing shoes with wheels in them. This is the first, often mis-identified step in humankind's slow march to war against cyborgs.
There are trends that I participate in, despite growing suspicions of their origins and motives. Love the increasing number of china buffet options? Yea? Love the increasing number of little chinese girl adoptions?
And, there are some trends that I participate in either as a willing intellectual, or as an unwitting pewter-wrought pawn in society's game of lord of the rings chess. The re-working of classic symbols of mankind's intellectual prowess with pop-culture imagery is one such trend I enjoy, for better or for worse. The aforementioned bread-eating trend is another. Somewhere between eating bread and adopting chinese children ranks blogging, a decidely modern trend that I neither endorse or disdain.
So grey and medium is my neutrality on blogs that I almost never update the one that I have. I frequently and eagerly criticize the blogging habits of others, and oftentimes 'hate' on the whole blogging phenomenon. However, as you have no doubt realized by now, I do have a blog and occasionally blog the shit out of it. Think that's hypocritical? Fuck you! I prefer to use the term whimsical.
In this particular instance, I have been spurred to action by what could inaccurately be called a 'surge' of blogging activity amongst my friends. Not to be outdone, I am re-jumping on the re-bandwagon of re-blogging, and posting blog entries both new and old. Until like 3 weeks from now, when I stop caring about it again.
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