Unabashed gluttony

Is it possible that there is no greater invention than the all you can eat chinese food buffet?

I submit that there is not. My buddy and I went to one last night prior to our all night drinkathon which resulted in me throwing up the whole nights worth of chinese food at like 4.30am, but while it was inside me it was delightful.

I dont know about everyone else, but the People's Republic of China (the amusingly named country which psuedo-secretly owns all those restaraunts) is losing money every time I walk into a chinese buffet.

I eat like the fattest fat ass in the world, and usually one plate of it is all fish. For those not in the know, fish is fucking expensive. This makes sense because after all, fish as a whole are the second most populous group of animals on the planet (next to insects), require very little food and next to no care to raise, take up no inhabitable space and consume no resources, as does any other kind of food. So, it makes sense that to buy shrimp in price chopper costs $10 a pound.

But to our teams advantage, at the same time, if I eat a pound of fish at a chinese buffet, and I just might, my bill has already skyrocketed past the $9 price of the meal. In fact, I usually try to eat as much of the most expensive items offered as possible, just to run down their profits.

Why do such a thing you ask? Heres why: China is overpopulated. That means that when they come to america and try to start families here, its just 'freeing up' room in China that is going to be refilled with more babies. By leaving China to open a fast food chain, they are basically shrugging their responsibility to take up space in China and convince people over there to stop fucking. When they dont perform this function, its just all the more people being born that the world can't support. Stop and think about this, it makes sense.

If I can eat so much expensive food that their business is run into the ground (literally out of house and home,) it forces them to pack up and head back to China, where the extra (you only get one) children they shouldnt have had will be forced to eat only the tears they can force past their near-shut eyes. That will teach them a lesson about shrugging responsibility.

Now, America may have switched its sniper scope to terrorism for awhile, but that doesnt mean we should forget our enemies. Did picard stop hating the Romulans just because the Borg showed up? No, he didnt. And if you understand that reference, kudos to you.

By eating gluttonously at a chinese buffet, you are helping to fight COMMUNISM. And, as stated with authority earlier, these buffets are secretly owned by a Beijing syndicate, and are funneling profit daily into red China.

Sure, it might seem like a really good idea to spend a couple dollars, go into a chinese buffet, and fill up on rice and lo mein and then leave, but these seductively delicious items are like 50 cents a pound to produce. Red China just made 7 bucks on the price of your meal, minus the cost of fortune cookies. But what those cookies wont tell you is that when youre wasting time on lo mein one day instead of doing your patriotic duty to eat more than the price of your meal, and perhaps even not eating all you take but doing it sneakily enough so they dont jack up the price, red China is going to bomb you into oblivion with a nuke funded by your buffet meals. If 7 bucks can feed a herd of Chinese children (replete with sad music playing in the background,) then it can fund a weapons program.

Dont want to die in a nuclear holocaust? Want to keep laughing at SARS? Get eating.

Take it from me, I have been fighting communism for years. Offered as proof is the following historical photo, dug out from my archives.

This unaltered photograph shows me personally tackling the Berlin Wall, like a badass. To all you fashionistas, pants were tight in the '80s. Lay off.